Danielle Keeler

think about it.

Archive for the ‘Loss’ Category

Depressed? Not sure.

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First, I’d like to take a moment to appreciate how fucking sexy Ian Somerhalder is.  For those of you who do not know, he is one of the main stars of The Vampire Diaries on the CW.  Now, before you laugh and discount this as a remake of Twilight, let me say this:  The Vampire Diaries?  SO MUCH BETTER.  It actually has some plot to it, something besides a vampire fighting the desire to suck his human girlfriend’s blood.  Also, before you watch the TV series, I would recommend reading the books.  They are also amazing, and completely, ENTIRELY different than the TV series.  The only similarities between the books and the TV series are the names.  That’s it.  I just had to get that one out, I’ve been watching old episodes lately and I simply had to share my enjoyment.

Anyway, on to other things.

My life is usually pretty darn okay.  Pretty calm, quiet, occasional bumps but nothing too serious.  So I have a question: why am I always so depressed?

I don’t think I’m clinically depressed…or if I am, it’s not severe.  When I’m busy, I’m fine.  So long as I have something to keep me occupied, I don’t get sad.  This is the reason my room is always spotless, my homework always done and checked with a fine-tooth comb, the reason I run, and also the reason I learned to play piano.  The moment I sit down and stop moving, I feel the depression start to creep up on me.  It’s a slow process; I start feeling it when I get in the shower, and by the time I go to bed it’s hit with full force.  I don’t have anyone I trust enough to call, so I either endure it until I fall asleep, or I take a dose of cough syrup to aid in the process (I don’t do that very often, I know it’s horrible for me).  But I want to know where this sudden depression comes from.  There’s nothing wrong with my life that would cause it, yet it’s there.  I don’t understand.

It started when I was about fourteen.  I was at a new school, and my self-esteem was worse than horrible.  Since then, my confidence has improved to a healthy level–I’m confident, but not arrogant.  I like that my hips have curves and that my hair is wild.  I like that even though my eyelashes are blonde, they’re long and full.  And I love the fact that no matter what, I know who I am and what I stand for.  But I still feel depressed and alone every night.

I have friends.  I have a boyfriend, and our relationship is wonderful.  My parents are not divorced and I don’t have any major conflict with anyone at my school.  The biggest issue I am conscious of is the fact that I have a difficult time trusting people.  I don’t know why that is–there’s no sob story in my life to back it up.  It takes a lot for a person to earn my trust, and only one person in my life has managed it.

So in writing this article, I was hoping to discover something within my brain that would tell me why I was so depressed.  But…I didn’t.


Written by Danielle Keeler

August 20, 2011 at 11:22 pm

All the things I’ll miss about summer

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1. Waking up at noon.  Farewell to the blissful morning hours spent in dreamland, and the nocturnal hours spent at a party with a redbull in my right hand and my boyfriend’s hand in my left.

2. Having time to play the piano.  No more time to learn new songs, write new music, put my own twist on a classical piece.

3. Making plans 20 minutes in advance.  Or making plans period.  Time to say hello to textbooks, coffee at 11:00 at night to finish my paper, and stress zits.  Time to say goodbye to a social life.

4. Having time to write.  I probably will cut my posts down to once a week (they’re already been slowing down due to summer work that I procrastinated until this week).  Goodbye to my stories, on which I spend at least an hour a day.

5. Sunburn and sun-bleached hair.  No more blonde, no more tan, no more beach trips on a moment’s notice.

6. Making chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast.  One of my summer favorites, but there’s no way in hell I’ll have time during the school year.

7. Keeping my room spotless.  When I get home from school, I strip off any excess layers and put on pajama bottoms.  Putting things in the hamper?  Don’t have the energy.

8. Shaving my legs every day.  Summer: take 20 minute shower, shave my legs, and have excess self-discovery time while under the water.  School?  Wash hair/face, shave armpits, get out.

9. Running.  Every year I tell myself I’ll run after school, and every day I tell myself I’ll run tomorrow.  It’s a pretty reliable cycle.

10. My big brother.  As usual, Ethan leaves for college tomorrow.  I’ll miss him.  A lot.

Written by Danielle Keeler

August 14, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Ohio Shooting

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Disclaimer: I do not own any right to this article.  I did not write it, I do not own it, and I am posting it here only because I do not feel my own writing could do justice to such a tragedy as this one.  The link to the original article is posted below.


COPLEY, Ohio — Investigators worked Monday to unravel the motive behind a shooting rampage that killed seven people and wounded another in a small Ohio town before the gunman died in a gunfight with police.

Police combed through three homes and searched outside a fourth in a wooded, residential area outside Akron on Sunday, collecting evidence as they tried to piece together what happened during the shootings that shook a quiet neighborhood.

Authorities did not release the condition of the survivor who was hospitalized, and they were withholding the names and ages of those involved until officers could tell victims’ family members, some of whom were out of state, Copley police Sgt. Eric Goodwin said. Autopsies began Monday.

The tragedy began before 11 a.m. when police say the gunman shot his girlfriend in one home, then ran to a next-door neighbor’s house, where he shot her brother and gunned down four neighbors. He then chased four people – two through neighboring backyards – shooting one of them before bursting into a home on a nearby road, where two others had sought refuge.

Police said he shot his eighth victim in that home and left, only to get into a gunfight outside with a police officer and a citizen who had been a police officer. The gunman, whose name was not released, was killed.

Neighbors said the dead included an 11-year-old boy and that at least three victims were from one family. A school official said he was told two victims were students at the local high school.

Gilbert Elie, who has lived in the neighborhood for 11 years, heard the gunshots and cries for help as he got ready for church. In an account that differed slightly from the police version, Elie said he went to a house across the street and found the woman who lived there lying in the driveway, her husband shot near the garage, and their granddaughter and another woman shot in the front seat of a vehicle, the windows apparently blown out by gunfire.

A third woman came out of the house next door and tried to talk to Elie, he said, but their brief exchange ended abruptly when a man followed her out of the house and shot her, sending the 76-year-old Elie running for safety behind a truck.

“She was talking to me, and he come up behind her and shot her, so I figured, maybe I’m next,” he told The Associated Press.

He hid until he could see the gunman was gone, then returned home. Police arrived, and Elie said he heard a second round of shots coming from behind the houses and assumed officers had killed the gunman.

Elie said his neighbors, Russ and Gerdie Johnson, lived across the street. He said the ordeal has left residents of their well-kept neighborhood shaken and wondering what prompted the shootings.

“They’re all in shock,” said Elie.

Public records show a Russell Johnson, 67, and his wife Gudrun, 64, live on the road where the shootings occurred.

Elie described the gunman as generally unfriendly, a rarity on the street, and said he often worked on his car outside his house but never waved at anyone.

Police, who did not release information about the shooter’s motive, planned a news conference at noon Monday.

The Akron Beacon Journal reported that Copley-Fairlawn School Superintendent Brian Poe said he was told by a township trustee that two Copley High School students were killed and that a third youth, the 11-year-old, was also killed. Poe said the trustee told him the 11-year-old was not a Copley student.

Some of the victims are from out of state, Copley police Sgt. Eric Goodwin said.

“A person running through the neighborhood and firing a gun” had prompted calls to police, the Copley Police Department said in a news release late Sunday.

Brian and Diane Cross said they were riding on a motorcycle Sunday morning when they heard a loud bang and saw a man with a gun chasing another man. Brian Cross, 53, said they drove a half mile to a service station to call 911, but “Copley police was already on it, and they were flying by us.”

The neighborhood was blocked off by police Sunday.

Around sunset, about 200 people assembled at a park for an impromptu candlelight vigil for the shooting victims in their town and crime victims elsewhere. Some residents said they set up a memorial fund.

Some saw a double rainbow, including Kelly Kerr Gill, who was one of more than 100 people who posted condolences on a special Facebook page set up for one of the families that apparently lost several members. “Your double rainbow sent from heaven did not go un-noticed … was truly a sign from God that those taken are ok,” she wrote.

The Rev. Jeff Bogue of the Grace Church of Greater Akron prayed with those gathered at the vigil about faith in the wake of violence.

“This is troubling Lord, why such evil would come to our little township,” he said.

Copley Township is west of Akron and about 40 miles south of Cleveland.




Written by Danielle Keeler

August 8, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Local news + too much free time = this article

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Watching the local news is one of the most depressing things a person can do.  The number of rape cases, abuse cases, robberies, street beatings, gang activities…the list goes on and on.  It makes me wonder how people can do such horrible things to other people.  What kind of a person is calloused enough to rape, murder and mangle a six year old girl?  Who even has the evil in them to even think of the idea to feed a man to rabid German shepherds?  Or to douse a puppy in gasoline and set it on fire?  The thought that people can even come up with these ideas in their mind is disturbing, even worse is the fact that they have the malice to act on it.

Is this what human beings are truly like by nature?  Perhaps we are all like this at our core, and most of us have just buried it so deeply we believe it no longer dwells within us.  However, in desperate situations, we see humans act in ways that we would have never imagined.  Starving groups of people turn to cannibalism.  Mob mentality can end in gang rape or gang murder.  It’s a scary thought to wonder if I could be capable of such evils.

In William Golding’s, Lord of the Flies, a group of very esteemed choir boys are on a plane, and their plane crashes onto an uncharted island.  Despite their original attempts at civility, the group soon becomes savage, and the end result is one boy being killed by the others in a violent torrent of hands and teeth.  This book is a remarkable example of mob mentality, and what can happen when the restraints and punishments of society are taken out of the equation.  Perhaps the mentality of these seemingly evil people is that they believe they will never get caught.  Perhaps they feel like the punishments that result from these crimes are not real.  They also see things from the perspective that because they cannot feel the thoughts and pain of the other individual involved, that pain is not real.

People often say their dream is to stop crime.  Their dream is to stop pain, abuse and violence.  What I’m starting to think is that, while it’s a pretty picture, it’s something we will never achieve.  The corrupt nature of human beings is simply too strong to be overcome by society’s rules.  Laws may prevent some crimes, as they are stamped into children from a young age (example: “don’t take what is not yours”), but in the end, those rules an be overcome by desire, or more likely, fear.  Fear can rule an individual in a way that no law or instruction has a power to do.  We can only hope that fear never reaches us in the same frightening way we hear about on the news.

Written by Danielle Keeler

August 1, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Can love be unconditional?

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Let me start of with a disclaimer: I am only talking of human love here.  Spiritual love is not included in the following topic, as I know that there is no swaying or debating that topic in some people’s minds.  That’s fine.  Just don’t bring it into my discussion please.

Can love really be unconditional?  I’ve been seeing quotes that say things like, “Nothing you could ever do would make me love you any less.”  It’s a nice thought; comforting, soothing, nice to hear when you’re afraid you’ve made a mistake.  However, is it true?  There have been times when I would have sworn it was.   I had a best friend who meant the world to me.  I told him everything, and trusted him more than I have ever trusted anyone.  However, that was months ago.  The two of us have drifted apart.  I realized he’s not trustworthy, he’s not dependable, and he was only pretending to care about what happened to me.  When we were still close, I thought that no matter what he said, no matter what he did, I would love him the same way.  I thought that he could tell me he didn’t care about me, and it would hurt, but I would still love him because I knew he didn’t mean it.

I was wrong.

Those things happened.  And as much as I hate to say it, I love him less for it.  I’m not sure I love him at all anymore.  He’s changed so drastically that I no longer see my best friend.  I don’t know how he feels about me at the moment, but to me he’s little more than an acquaintance.

I’m not trying to get your sympathy here.  I’m just using my relationship with him as an example; I was sure my love for him was unbreakable, and I was proven wrong.  But is it possible that love can be unconditional?  Or is there always something that could change your opinion of a person?

Pick anyone.  Someone you love.  Someone you think you will always love.  Now imagine discovering that they never truly cared about you.  That they never loved you the way you loved them.  Imagine them telling you that you mean nothing to them.  Can you honestly say your feelings for them wouldn’t change?  That your opinion of them wouldn’t be changed in the slightest?  Mine would.  When someone betrays me, I never think of them the same way again.  Is that just me, or is it humanity as a whole?  Tell me.  Comment.  I want to know.

Written by Danielle Keeler

July 29, 2011 at 5:19 pm