Danielle Keeler

think about it.

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Oh, how dearly I miss being fit.

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Sigh.  I don’t believe I’ve posted this before, but I should probably explain–I recently dealt with a case of severe tendonitis in my left knee.  I wasn’t supposed to run for a certain period of time, but of course, I was stupid and didn’t listen.  Guess what?  Take that severe case and multiply it by 10000000000, and you have what I got next.

Now, I am finally completely recovered, and have been cleared to run again.  The problem?  It’s cold, I’m busy, and I have gotten pathetically out of shape.  I have completely lost my motivation to get out and run after school like I used to do at least three times a week.  With work two days a week and a minimum three hours of homework five days a week, I am unable to find the energy to make myself run.  Plus, if I did run, it would have to be after dark, which doesn’t really appeal to me.  I’ve heard too many stories of girls getting abducted that way (Thank you, Criminal Minds).

But I oh, so dearly miss being in shape.  I miss my abs and shaving over calf muscle.  I miss being able to climb the three flights of stairs at school without being winded.  I miss feeling like a boss as I powered down the sidewalk, even though I know I’m not exactly attractive when I run (Pale skin = tomato face the instant I participate in any form of physical activity).  I miss being able to pull myself up onto the high tree branch to get to the top.  I miss being fit.

I want so badly to get back into it, but I simply have not been able to find the motivation or the time.  Gyms bore me–running in one spot defeats the purpose.  Zero-impact machines don’t build the muscle I miss so dearly.  I just want so badly to be back to the old, athletic me that I was, the one who fearlessly challenged her guy friends to run with her, knowing she could keep up.  The one who cherished the tired, warm feeling of her muscles after a run, not hated the burning she got climbing a set of stairs.

So I have settled for sitting and longing after that feeling, and since I currently cannot do anything (it’s dark, cold, and my neighborhood isn’t exactly the safest place to be alone at night), I shall have to be satisfied with complaining to my dear followers–all seven of them, who are undoubtedly the best bloggers on WordPress ;)

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Written by Danielle Keeler

October 31, 2011 at 9:32 pm

Crazy Emails Since Joining WordPress…

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I don’t know if anyone else has had this problem, but since creating my blog here, I have received some pretty wacky emails.  Now, they’re obviously scams, but they’re pretty funny.  For example, here is one I received this morning:

 

Hii (*********@yahoo.in )
I saw your profile and became much interested in you.
My name is Miss Maureen.
please, contact me with this email adress,so that i can send you my picture for you to know how i look like.
Here is the email adress ( *********@yahoo.in )
Remember the distance or colour does not matter but love embraces every thing.
Take very good care of yourself i am expecting your immidiate and urgent respond to my mail as soon as you get this massage
Yours Maureen.

 

Ummm….yeah.  Here’s one I received on September 30:

 

Hello My Dear,

I was going through profiles and i pick interest on you i will like us to become friends and later discuss more of our future here is my address ( *********@yahoo.com ) it will be my pleasure to receive your response soon.
regards
Glory

Here’s one from August 28:

Hello,

How are you and how is your work? i hope that all is well with you, My name is miskateduga,I was  browsing on internet i saw your mail and profile and i dacide to write to you so that we exchange our pictures, and we may become partner.
Remember the distance  colour and age does not matter what matters is the love we share with each other.
i am waiting to hear from you soon.

Regards mis kate

Where do these people get the idea that I’m going to reply?  I’m not stupid enough to give any information to them, and hopefully my blog doesn’t suggest that I am.  I’m curious to know if anyone else has gotten similar emails, or if anyone knows how to stop them.  And these women obviously have not realized that I’m not a lesbian, or they would not be sending me this stuff.  I have gotten many others, but these were few of the first I found in my inbox.  To me, these all sound like they could be the same person, but I have no proof of that.  Anyway.  Leave a comment if you’ve gotten anything similar, and tell me what your response was!

Written by Danielle Keeler

October 9, 2011 at 11:44 am

Goodness. Gracious.

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I didn’t realize how long it had been since I wrote.  I am so sorry followers, I didn’t mean to abandon you (that is, assuming anyone actually checks my blog on a regular basis.  Let me dream.).  School is, as usual, hectic.  I just finished submitting a bunch of college applications, and I’ve finally got some time to sit down and write a good, solid post.  So here goes.

First off, my boyfriend insists that I put a message from him in here (he’s sitting at my kitchen table finishing his own college apps).

“To all of Danielle’s dearest followers: don’t let her talk you into thinking she’s normal.  She’s not.”

Thank you, darling.  Love you too.

Anyway.  Onward we go.  I am planning a pretty epic Star Wars marathon this weekend, to celebrate the end of the application process.  I got all my apps turned in early, so I’m completely done.  Now, I wait for a reply.  Let the nail biting commence.

I am dying to get into Penn.  I know it’s expensive, and I know the standards are high, but I have to go there.  Their criminology program is epic, and that’s what I want to major in.  And my family qualifies for a good bit of financial aid, so I think we could stretch the budget and make it work (I’m paying for half, so don’t think I’m naive enough to think my parents can summon money out of thin air.  I know how this stuff works).

I just realized that this article is extremely scattered.  Oops.  Maybe I’ll go for that whole stream of consciousness thing.  After all, it worked for Faulkner.  Then again, I absolutely hated reading his books…I hope my articles don’t sound like that.

My dog is currently obsessed with my guitar.  Every time I pull it out, he comes and sits at my feet like he wants nothing more than to hear me fail at teaching myself to play that damn instrument (it’s harder than it sounds).  I’ve been working for almost a month, and it’s very, very slow progress.  If anyone has any tips to speed up the process, I would love to hear them.

So I just realized my life is extremely dull.  I have nothing else to write about today.  OH! Vote Herman Cain in the Republican primaries (: that is all.

Written by Danielle Keeler

October 3, 2011 at 5:23 pm

So much to catch up on!

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It has been a very long time since my last post.  I apologize dearly for that.  With school starting, it’s been so hectic that I forgot about my blog entirely until today.  So I have a few basics to fill you in on.

One: I don’t know how to write titles.  Are the major words supposed to be capitalized?  Or is it just supposed to be the way I’ve been doing it?  I also am horrible at coming up with creative titles…sigh.

Two: Football is officially in session.  May I just say that this has made me extremely happy.

Three: Today is 9/11.  I could go into a long spiel about how we will never forget, how much we owe to not only those who sacrificed their lives, but to the rescue teams present on that day.  I could write on and on about how tragic 9/11 was, how incomprehensible it is to me that a human can have such hate in them that they would kill 3000 innocent people.  I could go on for several thousand posts, but I’m going to sum it up in two sentences: Thank you.  We will never forget.

Four: I discovered something amazing today.  Change the name of your iPod to “Titanic” on Itunes, hit sync, and then be amused as iTunes syncs the Titanic.  Its pretty entertaining.

Five: Yes, I know I’m easily amused.

Six: I would just like to take a moment to appreciate my friends.  You guys rock.

Seven: While I’m at it, I love my followers too.  You guys also rock.

Eight: Wild Blue is delicious.  This is my discovery of the week.

Nine: Unfortunately, I probably won’t be posting very frequently.  Life is chaotic right now and I don’t have a lot of extra brain power to write witty posts.

Ten: While chaotic, life is pretty damn good.  That is all.

Written by Danielle Keeler

September 11, 2011 at 9:01 pm

To a uterus…

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I do not understand why you enjoy torturing me so.  Why is it that no matter what painkillers I take, you insist on stabbing me with pain strong enough to make me want to kill anyone who looks at me the wrong way?  I understand that you are necessary, and back in the day you had to start torturing girls at age 12, but times have changed.  It would be much appreciated if you could learn to wait till we’re about 22, when we actually want to use you for your intended purpose.  There’s not much point to prepping a 17 year old to have a baby when that’s so socially taboo that it can reduce a person to drugs and depression. You make my pants too tight, my lower back hurt like hell, and my skin blotchy and gross.  And the worst part is that I have no method of retaliation: if I take medicine, you come back with a vengeance when it wears off.  If I exercise, you have spaz attacks in my abdomen.  No amount of heating pads or hot showers can sedate you, and you steal precious hours of sleep that are difficult to come by as it is.  You make me eat 5 pounds of extra food a day and then decide to punish me with more cramps.  You make me late for class because the line in the bathroom takes fucking forever.  You leave embarrassing stains on my clothes if I ignore you for even a moment.  You’re so clingy, I never have a moment’s peace when you’re around.  I have long since given up on trying to arrange a truce–but all I ask for is a tiny bit of mercy.   Let me sleep tonight?  Thanks.

Written by Danielle Keeler

August 28, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Tumblr is Free Porn/More Blogconfessoins

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So supposedly, it is illegal for anyone under 18 to visit a pornography website.  Does that include Tumblr?  Because, as anyone who has an active Tumblr blog will tell you,  there are more porn shots compiled on that site than I have ever seen.  One particular blog I follow–while not actually dedicated to porn–posts at least 10 new pictures every day.  I keep following her only because it blows my mind at some of the things these people can do…but that’s another story.  If porn is illegal to everyone under 18, every high school student on Tumblr is currently breaking the law.

I like the idea of Tumblr.  It’s nice to have a constant-stream blog, one that allows you to post lengthier things than Twitter, a bigger variety of things than Facebook, but doesn’t characterize itself by extremely lengthy posts like other blog sites.  Tumblr allows you to post literally ANYTHING that comes to your mind (so long as it is not a threat to national security), and while in theory this is good, we have all heard about what unrestricted web diarrhea can lead to…again, that’s another story.

Back to my original point: how is Tumblr not considered illegal porn?  I mean, I’m definitely not saying I want anyone under the age of 18 to be banned from Tumblr (or perhaps they already are…I don’t know what the age minimum is for it), but it just doesn’t quite make sense to me.  But I’m not complaining.  Not a bit.

While I’m here, I was thinking I would post a few more Blogconfessions from one of my favorite Tumblr pages (www.blogconfessions.tumblr.com).  For those who have not read my earlier article about these confessions, Blogconfessions is an anonymous site where you can post your most secret confessions.  It can help a person just to get the words out, and I highly recommend that if you are on Tumblr, you follow them.  The first few confessions hit home with my previous article about confidence, so please,  ladies (and gentlemen): you’re beautiful just the way you are.

10384.) I feel fat and I want to be skinny; skinny so I can fit into a size 8. I mean I’m only 13, I should be allowed to fit into a size 8, but no, sometimes I can’t even fit a size 10. But I can’t lose weight because my mum was anorexic and she said that it was horrible and her parents hated it, and I can’t put her through that. But I just want to be skinny.

 

10383.) I wonder if you would love me if I were thin.

 

10378.) My dream is to run away and join the circus, if only my family didn’t expect more from me.

 

10377.) Everything comes back to how I have this fear that everyone I love is going to leave me. It’s why I’m so anxious and irrational.

 

10370.) I’m the biggest attention whore I know. Now I know why everyone calls me a slut. Even if it is just a “joke.”

 

10367.) Whenever I’m upset or scared, my suicide flashes before my eyes. Knowing I can always kill myself if it becomes too much is the only thing that keeps me sane.

 

10365.) My dream career is to be a pirate. Booze, gold, danger, and girls. That’s the shit right there.

 

10350.) At my age, girls are obsessing over boys and “falling in love.” I’m scared I’ll never find someone I feel that passionately about.

 

10348.) There are confessions from me about falling in love with girls and sleeping with boys who already have girlfriends and smoking pot and I want people to see them. I want people to know that even angels can fall. I want people to know that they aren’t alone.

 

10337.) Last month I got diagnosed with depression. My psychologist called my parents. My parents think I’m lying.

 

10336.) I want to be skinny. All of my friends are perfect overachievers who succeed at everything and have no pinchable fat on them. I want to be skinny. I have tried, but I just don’t have the self control. Maybe I should try harder.

 

10333.) I think I’ve finally learned to love my body.

 

10325.) I’m bulimic.

 

10324.) Yesterday, I wanted to pull the trigger.

 

10323.) I feel hungry, and I hate it. I hate having to eat. I hate my body. I hate my lack of willpower. I hate everything.

 

10292.) And you, sir, are very attractive. Therefore, I will stare at you.

Figured I’d end on a funny confession, what with all the sad ones above.  If anyone feels this way, please realize something: there are people who loves you, and you are NEVER alone.

I do not own rights to any of these confessions.  They are anonymous, and to see the original posts, please go to http://www.blogconfessions.tumblr.com.  All confessions posted here were posted on the internet prior to my re-posting them.

Written by Danielle Keeler

August 24, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Don’t you dare pop my bubble

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Everyone has a personal space bubble, right?  Some people’s bubbles are smaller than others.  Mine is generally pretty small–I like hugs, I like messing around with my friends, I’m not afraid to wrestle my brother–but if you pop it, you better start running for your life.

There’s only a few things you can do to pop my bubble:

One, you can insist on hugging me when I push you away.  I have guy friends who do this, and I know it offends them when I freak out, but I can’t help it.  If I push you away, it’s because I don’t feel like being touched.  If you try to touch me anyway, I kick into auto-pilot, and that’s not pleasant for anyone.  It makes me feel like shit, and it makes you angry.  So just don’t do it.

Two, you can touch my shoulders without my permission.  I don’t know what it is about this–but I can’t stand it.  I’m not talking a friendly shoulder squeeze–and yes, my boyfriend is allowed to put his arm around me.  That’s not what I mean.  What I mean is: don’t rest your hand on my shoulder.  Don’t come up from behind and touch my shoulder.  Do not try to rub my shoulders while I’m driving without telling me (cough Jared cough).  Because I will freak out.  I don’t know why, but I will.

Three, you can grab my wrist.  I attribute this to when I was little, and my brother used to twist my wrist when I annoyed him.  If I try to pull it away, let go.  I don’t want to have a panic attack and neither do you, so if you have any common sense in your head, let me go.

Those are my main three.  Now, I’m interested to know what yours are.  Comment and tell me, and I’ll subscribe to the blog of my favorite comment.  Go.

Written by Danielle Keeler

August 4, 2011 at 5:40 pm