Danielle Keeler

think about it.

Depressed? Not sure.

with 3 comments

First, I’d like to take a moment to appreciate how fucking sexy Ian Somerhalder is.  For those of you who do not know, he is one of the main stars of The Vampire Diaries on the CW.  Now, before you laugh and discount this as a remake of Twilight, let me say this:  The Vampire Diaries?  SO MUCH BETTER.  It actually has some plot to it, something besides a vampire fighting the desire to suck his human girlfriend’s blood.  Also, before you watch the TV series, I would recommend reading the books.  They are also amazing, and completely, ENTIRELY different than the TV series.  The only similarities between the books and the TV series are the names.  That’s it.  I just had to get that one out, I’ve been watching old episodes lately and I simply had to share my enjoyment.

Anyway, on to other things.

My life is usually pretty darn okay.  Pretty calm, quiet, occasional bumps but nothing too serious.  So I have a question: why am I always so depressed?

I don’t think I’m clinically depressed…or if I am, it’s not severe.  When I’m busy, I’m fine.  So long as I have something to keep me occupied, I don’t get sad.  This is the reason my room is always spotless, my homework always done and checked with a fine-tooth comb, the reason I run, and also the reason I learned to play piano.  The moment I sit down and stop moving, I feel the depression start to creep up on me.  It’s a slow process; I start feeling it when I get in the shower, and by the time I go to bed it’s hit with full force.  I don’t have anyone I trust enough to call, so I either endure it until I fall asleep, or I take a dose of cough syrup to aid in the process (I don’t do that very often, I know it’s horrible for me).  But I want to know where this sudden depression comes from.  There’s nothing wrong with my life that would cause it, yet it’s there.  I don’t understand.

It started when I was about fourteen.  I was at a new school, and my self-esteem was worse than horrible.  Since then, my confidence has improved to a healthy level–I’m confident, but not arrogant.  I like that my hips have curves and that my hair is wild.  I like that even though my eyelashes are blonde, they’re long and full.  And I love the fact that no matter what, I know who I am and what I stand for.  But I still feel depressed and alone every night.

I have friends.  I have a boyfriend, and our relationship is wonderful.  My parents are not divorced and I don’t have any major conflict with anyone at my school.  The biggest issue I am conscious of is the fact that I have a difficult time trusting people.  I don’t know why that is–there’s no sob story in my life to back it up.  It takes a lot for a person to earn my trust, and only one person in my life has managed it.

So in writing this article, I was hoping to discover something within my brain that would tell me why I was so depressed.  But…I didn’t.


Written by Danielle Keeler

August 20, 2011 at 11:22 pm

3 Responses

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  1. It sounds like you have some sort of chemical imbalance. Having depression with no source is a good sign of that.

    Something life’s taught me is that you go through life alone, even when you’re with someone! People will come and go, but the only consistency you have in life is your own existence. Sooner or later you’ll break up with your boyfriend, your dog will die, your husband will divorce you, Grandma will go senile, etc. The natural state of life is change, and sometimes that change is loss. Learning to be ok with being alone with me was one of the best and hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn. It took many failed relationships where I looked for hope and love and acceptance in others instead of myself. Being alone with myself now is something I’m grateful for. It’s like being your own best friend.

    Anywho…*hugs* from cyberland.

    Marti Abernathey

    August 21, 2011 at 1:00 am

  2. Perhaps the saddness you feel is God speaking to you and asking you to follow him and know him more closely. If you aren’t religious, please don’t stop reading here. Sometimes we find God in our most vulnerable times and it’s such a blessing that God reaches out to us to care for us. I hope you will recover from depression soon


    August 21, 2011 at 9:12 am

  3. True physical mental illness (not normal people with problems) is fairly common and very possible. A simple pill may help you feel better, just like diabetics need insulin. If you feel you have good insight and there’s really nothing to be depressed about… then this is the direction you should look.


    October 31, 2011 at 1:15 am

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